good things when short are twice as good.

Never could imagine,life without you...the moment you walked into my world.
Never knew how long a loving flame could burn..but losing you has forced me to learn..
That we can't change the way we feel inside,
and every try at love never turns out right..
We both...know,
it's better if we just let it go.

So let's have,
One last kiss, one last touch, one last tender moment between us..
One last dance, to our first song...while pretending there's nothing wrong.
And stay here for awhile and cherish every moment we're in denial..
We both...know,
it's better if we just let it go..

Baby if we met each other under a different sky...
maybe then things would be much better between you and I.
we could always hold onto this one special thing we share...
But it would be too much for us to bear...

Well I know...it's better if we just let it go.

##

I've made my decision, i'll take my flight.
Finally, the book is closed...the ride, is over.

Thank you.

Saturday, February 24, 2007

im thankful 8:44 AM

God has answered my prayers.
Finally, something good has come out of this whole maddening experience.
I am not gonna lose you,after all.

I promise to guide you and see you at every step of the way.
It's not gonna be easy, it's not gonna be smooth. But if we brave this storm, we can brave any other.

##

"There must be a reason why Furzah is in the picture..?"

"To make us realise how much we want each other - alot."

##

Insyallah, all will be fine in the end..

Susah senang, I'll stand by your side.

Friday, February 23, 2007

im sorry 9:51 AM

Dear Azman,

I'm sorry you're not marrying the person you love. For the person who loves you so much, has been taken granted for. It's sad that you potray you're future wife as a 'rebound'. To think that you reminisce about us at this point of time, and what's stopping you from reconciling with me is my family, I'm just so sorry you didn't give us a fighting chance.
But then again, i understand why you wouldn't. You're no fighter at all. See...the difference between me and you is..I fight for what i believe is right. I've been a fighter all this while. I've struggled, struggled for happiness..
Without a struggle, you can never achieve in what you believe in most,Azman.

So if you think that by marrying her, is your easiest way out, then i wish you all the luck that you need.

Yes, life will be easy for you, once you marry her. Ready for you is a car, a house, wealth, and what not. You just need to marry her. Devote your entire life to her. Cos hey, you're 28. Two more years till the big hatrick. And what have you had for yourself so far? Nothing.

But Azman, what im trying to say here is... fight. You need to stand on your own two feet. Stare fear in the eye and overcome it. Maybe you've not had anyone to hold your hand through the rough times like i did, no one who was willing to help you the way i did.

Thats why..it was difficult, almost impossible for you to swallow the fact that i know.
That i know...your past,your present,your future.
I knew it all along. But that didn't deminish the love i had for you. Instead, i understood.

Maybe my only fault was, not reassuring you enough. Not letting you know how serious i was with you. That every waking moment was spent thinking about you and I. But seriously, am i at fault for that? Loving you, was it so wrong?

I have lost you..for good. And as much as it hurts, i'm glad things ended this way too. Finally, we can close this chapter in our lives, and move on. You with a new found life, me and my evergreen growing years. I have a whole life ahead of me. You have influenced a huge part in moulding me to who I am today. I am most grateful to have met you, not a second of regret.

Fret not, one day in the far future, we'll meet again.
My love, this ride has been amazing.
Time will heal my wounds, erase the bittersweet memories and help regain the strength that I've lost in loving you.
But i promise you this Azman,
i will never hate you..

I pray for happiness to come your way, and Insyallah you will find love in her after marriage.
You will have kids and start your own family, and i will have my chance at doing that too,one day.

Maybe we weren't meant to be, maybe we were. Either or, it was a pleasure.

I love you.

Wasallam.

Thursday, February 22, 2007

no slumber.. 1:30 PM

Can't sleep...been awake since i prayed.
Shall wait for Subuh prayers.
Things kept playing around in my head...
Memories...his voice, his face...what's happened, and what's gonna happen..

Dad comes into the picture, and i just can't help but break down..

Safrina called at 4 am, felt good talking to her..
Said she teared,reading my last entry.

You have no idea.

Listening to Marc Anthony's My Baby You..the song he sang for me, the song he said he'll sing to me..supposedly on our wedding..
which, will never happen.

The cut is so deep, i can but only smile.

Thanks Saf, talking to you, letting it all out, made me feel better,stronger...

What didn't kill me, will only make me stronger..

Text message sent to him at 1.50 am : "I've prayed for your happiness and safety, Azman. Insyallah He will protect you...Amin."

It was good while it lasted..
Our book has closed,
my chapter has ended.

But before we go our seperate ways for good,
i have one last request...just ONE last request,Azman.

Look me in the eye..face me..and let the unspoken words speak on their own.
I want to see you one last time, before i readily give you up for the life you've planned ahead for yourself.

And before i leave,
i'll ask you for one last thing..
Remember me.
Remember that you've altered me..that i'll never forget you...never..
Remember this woman you've made me into...
And pray for me, pray for my internal peace...
Finally, let me go.
Let me fly again, into my own life...a life you will not be part of.

I regret saying this,
but i love you.
Still do.

sesungguhnya 10:10 AM

A text message from Ba to Ummi , 22-02-2007 at 10.23 pm.

"Sweetheart i miss you and de girls. Me just finish mengaji
wif a group of elders including one minister whom i dont knw. Me at Putrajaya Mosque
since today subuh and was weeping when this fatherly person noticed me and we became frens.
He's the mosque convenor n he allowed me to stay at his quarters n he has counselled me n
he says only those who are headed to Allah's heaven are tested to
the extreme n i keep seeing Ameerah's face when she hurt me most, it really is painful.
But he assures me that when things are over we will be the closest family n he got
the whole congregation to read Al-Fathihah n surah Al-Imran for u n our
family n we are not alone. Tmr he wants to let me say the Iqamah n if i do well
i will do it at Friday prayers too,infrnt of 6000 ppl including Mahathir Mohd and
a whole lot of dignitaries. Sweetheart i miss you n de girls n send my love
to them. please tell Meer im truly sorry abt what i did to her much as it still hurts.
Msg u ltr we need to practice for tmr.
Love you."

I don't know what to say, but i am so proud of my father.
He is a strong man who will survive his tests in life.

And earlier on the night, i had dinner with Aunty Shida..
and i found out the entire truth about Azman,
the man i love most.

Azman is getting engaged, 11th March 2007.
He's getting married this December.

Imagine...
imagine the pain of going through tonight.

I prayed.
I came back to Him.
I want a change for myself,
keep me far away from the vice in life.

I thank God for the happiness he has given me,
and i thank him still, for the pain he's putting me through.

I seek solace in my Creator,
and in Him, i find internal peace and strength.
I have faith that things are going to be better,
and those who are headed to Allah's heavens is tested most.

I have faith, that everything that's been happening,
happened for a reason.
The two men in my life.

I believe in Your strength.
I feel Your power over me.
At the end of the day,
i am just a mere servant..
tested from time to time.

It felt better praying, it gave me peace.

I pray for the discipline to fulfill my duties,
a discipline i failed to foster for the past 19 years of my life.

Aku insaf.

Wednesday, February 21, 2007

hurt 8:59 AM

Seems like it was yesterday,when i saw your face..
you told me how proud you were,but i walked away.
If only i knew...what i know today.

I would hold you in my arms, i would take the pain away.
Thank you Ba,for all you've done..forgive all your mistakes.
There's nothing i wouldn't do to hear your voice again..sometimes i want to call you,
but i know you won't be there.

I'm sorry for blaming you,for all the things i just couldn't do.
And i've hurt myself by hurting you.

Would you tell me i was wrong?
would you help me understand?
are you looking down upon me?
are you proud of who i am...?

There's nothing i wouldn't do, to have just one more chance.
To look into your eyes...and see you looking back.

##

This is the night i realise how much my mother loves him.
For 20 years,
all the pain,
all the hurt,
all the abuse,
doesn't erase the love she has for him.

The amount of love overwrites it all..
God's greatest gift, the gift of love.
The love of a wife.
So loyal to her husband..the man she's devoted her entire life to.

Ummi, when can i see you smile again?
When can i see the happiness, the pureness of this sanctuary called love?
This has broken us,
this has shattered me..
I am changed because of this..
I swear, all i want is peace and happiness for this family.

All i want, is for Ummi to be happy.

"I have all the money in the world, all the strength to keep me going for the
past 20 years. But i am a woman Meer, i need my husband..I can't live alone.."
"I have suffered enough...I've gone through alot..I don't know if i can take this,
i don't know if i can go on..."

If this is God's way of making me realise,
if it is in my power to help him change,
i would sacrifice anything in the world for the better..

This is my test.
My own battle to fight.
I swear, this is painful.
I am changed because of this..

I am just a child, dear Lord.

"Can you sleep tonight, knowing he's out there in the streets
without anyone, or anywhere to go?"

"Kau sampai hati ke Meer, tengok bapak kau macam gitu..?
Biar ape pun, die bapak kau jugak..."

Ba,
I didn't mean for any of this to happen.
I swear, all i wanted to do was surface the truth,
and make you realise that it's time for change.

You owe me my childhood.
You owe me my mother's happiness.
And i owe you an apology for putting you so low.
You owe me a childhood, erase all the torment and abuse.
Do away with that temper,
cos underneath all that..is a man i look up to
as a father.
A man i'm so proud to shoulder,
a man i love.

For now, all i can do is pray for your safety and for your return.

Cos this isn't a home, if you're not here.
It's incomplete.

Ampunilah dosa-dosaku.
Kembalikanlah, bapaku.
Tabahkan hati ibuku..
dan rahmati lah ibubapaku...

amin..

alone and afraid, May God help you through the night.

Tuesday, February 20, 2007

pics at aunty latiffah's 7:39 AM

Bummed around at Aunty Latiffah's the whole day...

PQ, Meer and Sharrah.

Similar smiles.

She loves me.

Ngyah!

Yours truly.

Squirky.

##

There was this one photo which i turned out to like like Man.
Ayo, i freaked myself out i tell you.

Alriteee then.
Tmr's another brand new day.
A brand new league of challenges.

Wanna go sleep now.
Gooznait.

that drug bust 6:38 AM

A diary entry written on the 4th of January, 2007.

"Ameerah went out at midnight. She came home at 7.30 am,said she slept at Souher's house - but no - she went clubbing with Diyanah,Wany,etc. Why did she lie to me? Where is the trust? Why am I being cheated by 2 persons that i love? (Ameerah & D). She vomitted in her room - drank too much?"

Tumbled upon Mum's diary and just imagine the shock i received while reading those words.

Now, if that and this isn't enough to make way for change....

I don't know what will.

Sunday, February 18, 2007

dpressed play. 4:25 AM

Somebody save me.
I am slipping into depression tonight.
Just for tonight.

I need to do something.

cny day 1 3:00 AM

Been bumming in the living room the whole day.
I haven't even bathed you know.
And it's close to 7pm.
THIS IS CALLED HOLIDAY.

Ya lah, back to back movie marathon on AXN, Channel 5 and Disney channel.
Mane tak geram.

So yeah i came upon pics of the ECP picnic i had yesterday with the family..
there you go..

Us.

PQ was camera woman for the day.

Sisters.

I took this shot. I think this is nice. =)

Ngyah!

Safiyah!!

PQ and Nabil.

The evening was spent flying frisbees and playing beach soccer..
i had my hands full with Safiyah and Nabil.
Then came sunset, time to go home for Maghrib.

Shah sisters love parking their cars side by side.
So touching kan.
And they have a knack for big cars.

Mak Bibah's ride.
Toyota Estima.

Mum's ride.
Toyota Isis.

##

Tmr, i hope to have that picnic with Bo,Belle and Ben.
Jadi eh jgn tak jadi.
Kan cute.
Pasir Ris beach, it is.

I'm back to housework and tv..
and alot of self-reflecting.

Saturday, February 17, 2007

cny 07 1:08 PM

It's been a shaggedalic day for me.

Started out with a picnic at ECP with the family and cousins.
=)

It was nice, seeing the family again...especially seeing Safiyah.
She's just sooo adorable.
I think i'll grab photos from Sahfeeqah's comp when i can just to show
you how cute that little cousin of mine is.
You'd wanna squeeeeeze her cheeks!

Then later on the night i met up with my guys..
I've had enough doze of tostesterone (sp?) you dig?
Now i'm feeling like a guy.
sheesh.

First up,
was Gee!
Yes!
we finally met after eeeeonnnns.
Had dinner...so lomantic.
Missed him.
Him missed me.
And then magic happened,
then ta-da!

Yours truly & Gerard Baker.
ps: i wasn't nekkid ok.
pss: look at those lips...*melts*

And then i met Imran soon after and had so much fun talking
and bullshitting.
Goodness, i think i should stop the late nights at Pasir Ris
for awhile..day in, day out aku tengok muke kau Im.
Naik jelak.
Hish!

We talked and bullcrapped...even made faces.

Stop staring at my not-so-much boobs!

Apparently, from an angle in the camera, i appear to look like Diyanah Arif here.
Because of this pic, Imran now understands why people mistook me and her to be sisters.

A moment of intimacy...NOT!

Soon after we headed down to downtown east mcdonalds
to have ourselves min supper,
and Apit joined us.
One of Imran's friends.
Such a breather to have someone new join the fun.
Oh it was fun alright..
sitting down with 2 normally intelligent guys and talking
about whatever nots..
total chaos.
Thanks Apit, it was fun!

Apit being all gay on Imran.

They actually make a lovely gay couple, don't you think so?

Imran: "Mir, I'm gay. Shhh!"
Mira: "Pantat kau!"

Hahah.

Total madness.
It was fun..

Anyhoos...before i decide to end my topic of conversation here,
I'd like to showcase to you how dumb and idiotic guys can be.

This is a conversation between Idris and me, my supposed valentine this
year but i ditched him cos i just didn't feel like spending val day with him.

I : Nak gi bintan?
M : just me and you?
I : I got ask some of my frenz who r couples but they havent cnfrm yet
I : If ya dont mind
M : I dont even know you
M : I mean we're not close and all and i only cross the border wit
family, really close frens or spouse.
So yeah sorry, i mind.
I : Well we can take time to get to know each other yeah?
M : Er..still, i don't think so.
I : Forget it then. Ciao

M: Ew! so rude!
I : What?! ya ya whatever la. im always rude you're good.
M : FUCK OFF DON'T WASTE MY TIME.

And then i texted him ;

M : Delete my number and don't ever text me again. Knowing
you was a disgrace. Goodbye.
And he replied,
I : You are more rude, you don't act like a lady at all..sucha disgrace.

And I replied,

......

M : Who's this?

KWANG KWANG KWANG.

buzz off, asshole.
I don't deal with shiznits like you.
Too bad, i'm not your 'dream' girl, the one you've waited me to be.
ewness.

And in the evening, i got a text message from 81759612
saying that he was Kannan and that he's this tall and that heavy and he
likes this and that and he wants to get to know me.
Blah blah blah.
When asked where he got my number he said "From a guy name Khairul, if you know him
pls dun tel him i told u k".
What kinda game you playing?
wasting your 5 cents only tau.

i replied with a "sorry, not interested." and the bugger, being a persistent
PEST, goes on with "i am honest and sincere and u treating me like this. nvm,
if you think you comfortable enough already or boring, you just msg me k."

i topped it off with a simple, "Still, not interested.".

So there you go.
I am so the very malas.
I don't mind being seen as a bitch in their eyes or some stuck up slut,
as long as i don't give them my attention and end up sleeping with them.
Attention nowsadays is very expensip you know.
ngyahngyah.

Oh and for the record, it's 5.41 am and im officially suffering from a sleeping disorder.

DASSSIT BALLS!
NAK BOBOK!

And girrrrrl...Mira has taste, ok!

Friday, February 16, 2007

im loving me 11:22 AM

I'm loving myself more each day..
somebody tell me why?

I don't know..
I think i'm crazy.
I happen to have this immense feelings towards myself..like i can't stop smiling when i think of myself.
What the fuck, i know.

I'm fine, don't worry.
Better than ever,infact!

This is life,
minus a BF and a job.
I'm going to say it again and again until i get either one of the two.

Getting a BF?
not anytime soon, not anyone new that is.

Getting a job?
I want to go back to Aviva!

So that's that.
I want to start anew, with the old.
I realise that life was so good when i was working at Aviva and as his girlfriend.

Things have changed,
I have changed..and it's all good.

I feel myself growing up..dwelling deeper and deeper into simplicity after each passing day.
I've learned to come to terms with pain and difficulty,
and i am more in love with myself at the end of everyday.

It's like i've overcame this huge obstacle all by myself.
And i know that things in the near future will make me very happy.

Let's talk about today, shall we?
("shall we?", "shall we?"--> ew..so azman..)

Today,was a fantabulous day.
I did a funny thing.
I'm glad Imran was by my side the entire time...no words can justify my gratitude towards you,Ben.
=)
Quote from Imran : "Kau degil, degil giler and giler all in one."

Heheh.

Who said women aren't smart huh?
We do what's right, right?!

Yes...i admit...it was a stupid move...a move i shouldnt have made...
but hey,
i DID plaster that smile on his face, didn't i?
i DID feel satisfied after doing so...best part was, this is what you call love.
you do things you can't explain, never imaginable.

I've been dying to do it since day one.

And i did it, with no regrets...

Until my dying day...I'd be thinking of the both of you...

Thursday, February 15, 2007

narcisistic. 7:13 AM

Thursday was short and simple.

Caught Ghost Rider with Sweets.
Thumbs up for the movie!!
The effects were awesome and i wouldn't mind catching it again.
(And again and again for that matter.)

Anyways....

Got home early,
rolled around in bed with the camera so you know i know la eh.
Got a little narcisistic for awhile.
Ala awhile only...
dont blame me lah..this is life,
minus a bf and a job.

Speaking of which,
my Valentines was spent well..
Rolling around a Serato
with Yati and Azfar.
The bomb!
Lunatics.

Well then now,
what else do i have to say?
Let the pictures do the talking.
Note to self :
Don't get bored too often.

Welcome To My Dark Room

Foooh.
And now i am shaggedalico.
I want some chocolated before i sleep,
and a whole lot of self-loving.
I think tonight, i shall read myself to sleep.

And before i do that,
I'll entertain Miss Diy who's alone at home,
all scared to the shiznits peeing in her pants as
i ask her "can you find me....can you...find me...?"
NGYAHAHAHA.

Toodles.

And to YOU,
you are my number one.

yayness~ 1:35 AM

Am catching the Ghost Rider with Sweets in awhile..yay!!

Monday, February 12, 2007

on a night like this. 10:01 AM

On a night like this,
i wished i had someone sleep beside me.

On a night like this,
I wished i was under the ballet of stars by your side...
lazing away...

But on a night like this,
i am at home.

On a night like this,
i have noone to call my own but our memories..

I wonder if you're happy,
I wonder if you're alright.

I wonder what is it that you've not told me
And if things are gonna turn out fine.

I wonder if this is what you've always wanted,
or are you in search for more?
My dear you shouldn't have seen past me
Cos it's you i truly adore.

It's where life brings you at the end of the day
It's how unfair it can be

How seemingly challenging each step i take
Makes me the woman i would be

I've decided to take my course,
a move with baby steps
Cos if i were to deny myself,
I'd break down and collapse

It's strange that i see the good in you
when others call you cheat
To think that i've seen that side of you,
when once i saw deceit

Think about it, dear one
Think about it through
What you've wanted out of life
Is this all but true?

I don't care who you were yesterday
I don't care what you did
Maybe you had your reasons,
secrets and lies well hid

It's who you're gonna be tomorrow,
cos i must say i care
Time is running out for you
And I'm not going anywhere

Maybe in the future you'll see
That different side of me
The side that never existed
Till you shattered me

And then you'll realise how much of courage
I haboured beneath this skin
So much, so great it bothered
My friends and next of kin

So in time you'll learn to notice
That i've loved you just as much
And in time you'll also notice
That i love you,
very much.

That was a good one.
I feel lighter now.

You asswipe, i still love you.

Saturday, February 10, 2007

saturday night party. 9:46 PM

Oh my gawd i feel so shitty after last night.

So tiring..

Haha but nonetheless i did enjoy myself.

Went out with a friend of mine, Yati..and we had ourselves a ball.

Though i must say that i'm officially announcing that i am no more of a party animal anymore, (to me delight) i get tired very easily now especially if im not home by midnight.

Kental, i know.

But haiya growing old what.

Anyhoos.

Yati and i started at Starbucks...then headed down to Paulaner...that was a blast. The singers were fantastic!!! And it was such a nice place. And Diy, if you think Calabria is nice, wait till you here the remix!! Fantastic.
After which we dropped by Thumper to see Dynna perform live..out of formality, we gave that girl our support..and she showcased it well i must say. She brought down the house.

And OMFG Thumper is full of tall,skinny,slapable ang moh models. All that saying about Thumper being classy and full of models and all is just an understatement ok. The real thing is totally exagerrated. Models were here and there,high and low..and you know how i hate the sight of mere bones.
For once, i felt healthy among them.

Ew.

After Thumper came....Insomnia!

Oh my God! that place brought back nostlagia! And yes...Azry was there too.
It was nice seeing him after a loong loong time...even nicer to know that things between me and him, are ok..nicely falling into place.
I'm glad he's got a gf now, as long as he's happy, you know? He even showed me a picture of them..real nice. I hope he sticks to this one and marries her! going to hit hatrick already dah dey,settle down la..i wanna see all your Azry Juniors..

Haha.

Insomnia was the bomb la. Never regret knowing that place and the people..
what more can i say?
It's just the familiarity of the place...and to note that the last time i was there, i was with that Pundek!
Now that i've finally found life again...it felt safe...it felt like Mira.

Did the usual thing i'd do when im at Insomnia...walk in..walk out...sit down...stand up...dance...disturb Azry...hahaha..it was fun.

And at the end of the night while i crashed,
i felt sooooo WHACKED.

I shan't do this often. No more energy lah babe. I'd rather spend my nights at home, sleeping.
And already Yati's asking me out to DBL O on thursday..i'll see how.. cos they close at 3 right? Ya that's the latest i can go now.

Haiz.

It's a brand new day...brand new sunday!!! and i can't help but feel shitty for awhile...then it's back to housework.

Alright ya'll.
Cheers.

I had a blast girl, thank you.

Friday, February 09, 2007

ummi. 9:33 AM

Ummi, I love you.

My Wonder Woman.

Thursday, February 08, 2007

i don't know now. 9:05 AM

Seems to me,
everytime i wanna move forward,
i am being stopped.

Am i growing up too fast?

Why do i get tired so easily?

Have i seen enough of the world?

Can i just go and die? please?

You know...
there are many things i do not know of right now.

I can't find internal peace.
And it sucks.

I'm sorry to be sounding fucking lousy but i am actually,
very afraid.

God Almighty please help me out here?

I've been thinking about threeyearsdowntheroad alot lately.
Threeyearsdowntheroad, where will i be?
who would i be?
how will i be who?

oh my God....
I'm scaring myself to death.

Ya Allah Ya Tuhanku.
Tabahkan lah hatiku.
Berikan ku kekuatan.
The future seems so hazy,
and the only one who can rest assure me
is You, my Lord.

I am in the shiznits.

Wednesday, February 07, 2007

7th february 2007// 11:38 PM

Went to TM with Souher where i met her bunch of friends..
quite a bunch i must say..
ass-cracking good time..
esp with the hunky-hunky boy Afiq.
He came with three lovebites on his neck.
gross!!
What was he thinking?!!?!?
but hell, as long as he's still a virgin, he's just fine.

Souher and Me.

Munching on her Caesar Tuna Salad..

When Fin and the rest came by...

our table..

Me and Afiq..the HUNK.

His lovebites.. oh btw that's his neck.

.... and evening came for me to depart to Aunty Shida's.
And guess who i met?
I shan't mention names.
It doesn't matter now, does it?

Anyhoooos.

I had a blast on Tuesday.
It was a weird day, but i had a blast.
Thanks Su, thanks Afiq..
thanks ya'll!

*What do i have got to say......?*

The dark secret within me...

PS: No, i wasn't at MOS on Wednesday night.
I was sleeping like a baby at home.
=)

Sunday, February 04, 2007

due photo 10:41 PM

The blast on NYE with Julie and all at St James.

...in loving memory of Vladivar and all other Nasha....

Burp

What gets me going,gets me talking. What He brings me to, He brings me through.

Twenty
elegantly bolder&badder
INSANE.
~~fake and dismissive~~

Mira A.

travel.gossip.girls&boys.

Le Comorades.

Dibs
Mul
Souqie
Rina
Frinn
Nadirah
Ben Tricheks
Farah Faith
Karooona
Online Album
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and i fly again.