good things when short are twice as good.

It is 8.15 pm and i just finished my Maghrib prayers, awaiting for Isyak. I must warn you, this entry might be philosophical.

It's a thursday night. In other words, a holy night. One of the nights in a week where your pleas are being uplifted. Tonight, is Malam Jumaat.

I guess many of you might be pondering - what happened to Mira? Who and what has she become? Why the sudden change?

Well you see.. i can't explain it myself. Let's face it. We live everyday of our lives, day in day out...and what's the constant phenomenon that you put yourself through both subconsciously or not? Change.

Yes my dear friends, change.

Whether you like it or not, we change everysingleday of our lives. Like when i ask a few friends, "How are you?" and they reply me with a typical "Same like yesterday la...".
Like, really? Are you sure? You can't be serious you know... hahaiii.

How could you be the same as yesterday? This if Life. You learn/change everyday.

So..you might be wondering where im steadfasting to right now. I'd just like to put my point across - not to justify my change or take this as a form of explanation,no - I've changed.

I've grown, changed and transitioned. For me, i feel that my time has come. And when it comes, there's no turning back. It's instilled upon you - this change. It doesn't come from your environment or when you look at someone else having a good life and you follow suit , no. It's somewhat a form of realisation, coming from deep within.

I must include that i do get (slightly, just slightly) upset when a dear friend once told me that if i decide to put on the hijab, i shouldn't take it out halfway through my years. Prove to others that i can do it. Me being me, i took that in, in quite a wrong way. But after much self-reflection, i realised - this also coming from deep within - that to wear a hijab isn't to merely PROVE to others or signify my change of attitude. I don't blame her for the words, i guess it was healthy to receive such comments from a friend of a totally different personality. I realise that's her perspective on it ; i shall accept it.

But this i daresay, it isn't to prove to anybody..it's just a mere act of closing up. And yes, one might worry - such a drastic change? Well honey, i couldn't believe it myself. To be honest, i was contemplating on wearing it. God knows, i've been contemplating for days - whether to wear it or not. And i only saw myself covering up only after Umrah which is 3 months from now. But you see, all i needed was a friend who wanted to see me in hijab, and to encourage me to kickstart.

And God bless, i felt good. I felt right.

Adib asked me the other night in the car - "When did it come to you?"

When did this big phenomenon of change come to me.. It came when i least expect it. It came when i saw my life empty and purpose-less. And then i was met with tests after tests. It was like as if God was calling me home.
Back to where i was designated to walk. Back to my pathway. And that was when a good friend's father passed away.
Being at the funeral, i was thinking to myself "Ya Allah this is real. If this isn't enough of an eye-opener for change i don't know what is. I want to change, to be a better daughter to both my aging parents, before..it's too late."

And with that, came mountain valleys of challenges, mind you. I did feel like giving up and living life like a youth. Wanting to embrace my 'glory days' in the fake believe that the lifestyle would block out my mental calamity. But i knew well, that it was just superficial. And just as when i was gonna lose it, i received a sentiment that has stuck close to my heart - All who are destined for God's heavens are tested to the extreme.

It's funny, how wonderful Allah worked his wonders upon me. And having a person like Azman in my life, He showed me that the only way to accept things is to accept myself and accept my weaknesses. Only then can you face your fears and live your strength, knowing that you are weak, just a servant of God.

Azman played an important role in transisting me, for he gave me an emotional rollercoaster ride like no other. And i seriously thank him for that. Things made me grow up and allowed me to accept it with the grace of an adult - not a grief of a child.

I'm not saying that i'm all adult now. I'm just saying that my glory days are over - long over before i knew it - and that im growing up. Heck, this is my way of growing up. Yours would be and would've been different. It's how life is.

And so i'm sitting here after my prayers..recollecting alot.

I've gone through enough these past two years of my life, so that i won't repeat the mistakes i made for the next two years and counting.

Gone are the days i'll be drinking or out in the streets at night in the name of partying. Gone are the days i saw myself as a chic who needs to get hitched with guys in a club. Now i see myself as a woman, with a mission to add to that.
I've finally let go the need to feel that adrenaline pump whenever i decide to go party - Now i embrace the life i'll lead in many years to come. The life that would make my heart feel warm and fuzzy at the end of every tiring day.

Yes...that's what i like most. That fuzzy feeling. Where i get intimate with myself and feel very close to my inner-senses.

So now that we all know change is the only thing constant, let me ask you.
Why don't we have faith for those people who wronged in the past, to change?
I believe i do.

If he made mistakes and broke me up last time, don't you think he'll change?
I think he would.
But all that is in the hands of God.
All we can do is pray for him..and hope for that change.

Like they say... Selangkah ku padaMu, Seribu langkah Kau padaku.

Burp

What gets me going,gets me talking. What He brings me to, He brings me through.

Twenty
elegantly bolder&badder
INSANE.
~~fake and dismissive~~

Mira A.

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