good things when short are twice as good.

It's not that i don't want to share with you about my trip to Mecca, it's just that there's too much to say and i'm still a zombie. I'm still floating about aimlessly,not knowing where to start and how. I swear, my heart's not in singapore. balls!! i wanna get out of this country!!

i feel restricted,suddenly. it's like i'm tied down all over again.

Anyhoos.

Chanced upon an email i composed about half a year ago to the ex-boyfriend. Oh this is real shit i tell ya. I swear, when i read back, i kinda had this rush of adrenaline through my heart. I'm still figuring out what the hell it was yeah. Freaky shit.

"Hey there.
It's 3.30am Monday morning, and i should be sleeping.But heck, i can't. I can't stop thinking about us. You know what? It ain't that bad after all..thinking about us.
I don't know how else to put it across to you, so i just thought of dropping by an email. Whoever knows, maybe you check your mail at work? Oh wells.

Anyhoos.

Azman,Azman. It's been crazy. Absurd. Painful. Wonderful. Confusing. Amazing. Whatever.
But nonetheless, i can't deny that we were once very much in love. And that we were really happy wit each other. And that we thought we were contented with wat we had. I guess things took a change,sumhow,sumtime.

Things changed, we changed.

And it's sad, cos the good times were long gone even before it started.
I just wanna tell you.. that i love you.. and i daresay, there's no one else in the world who loves you the way i do. Please..give my Azman back to me.. the Azman i know who's always there for me.
Or at least, willing to talk to me.

I'm a lonely girl. But im pulling myself up again. i know i can. I'm strong.. and you know what? like i said, it's difficult to fathom my future without us.. weird..

Be true to me Azman, that's all that's needed. Let's hit the beach and talk. JUST TALK. talk things out, thrash it all out...cry it out, if need be. cos right now, i still care.
at the end of the day, i'll still be here with open arms. lay in my chest, feel like it's the rightest place to be Baby,cos i love you.. and i'll shelter you..

i don't know, the purpose of this email. just thought of letting you know..that im not enemy.
it's rather random..but i mean everything i say here.

How i long to hear you sing to me again, the way you always did.
You've touched me deep..and you've hurt me deep,too.
Never thought loving someone could be this tough.

Nor Azman Marican,
Mira loves you."

Right. And that was supposed to mean....? Ah madness, i'm mad you know. Never did officially say this but i'm crazy. God knows what i'm born for. Yeah, these the kinda nights i feel so unbothered about the world. Like there is even a word like so. I'm feeling good about myself, but i feel it's not good enough.

I want to go L. I swear i do. Singapore feels empty already. Yeah i have my loved ones here, but it's like i got no energy left in me to actually live life here. It's been effing tiring ya know! living like this here! Probably Azman's drained out all the energy i ever had and he's left me a wasted aging old hag. Then now i want to start proper again, i wanna be young again. Feel like i can't do it in SG cos too many shit's been happening and too many people know my shit already.

It's time to wipe my poo and find another bowl yeah.

Wow amazing, sounds so simple. Poooi.

Maybe, just maybe, i need you under the ballet of stars by the beach under a coconut tree. Maybe, i need money. No, I NEED MONEY. can't do shittt without it.

So you tell me now, what i should do to earn my MONEY.

Oh my god! I'm frikkin insomniac. I can't sleep now. I swear, the plane trips took a toll on me. Economy class seats really bites my ass,fuck! i'm sorry i'm vulgar but FUCK YOU it's three in the morning and i'm being nasty. Sorry, really...sorry. Can't help it.

And i'm getting random so trust me, it's not gonna be nice from my side. Yeah, once in awhile, hear me roar and squirm in uncomfort.

You wanna talk about comfort? I'll talk about comfort. Comfort is when i can have my eyes the size of peanuts and still be told they're sexy. Comfort is when i don't know you, but it's like i've known you all my life. It's when i start contradicting myself and thoughts just come streaking through my mind.
It's when i feel that my ass is really just an asset. That i know the size don't matter,that it's fine.
Comfort is also when i feel most at ease and i trust you so much, i don't give a care to the fucking world.

That's comfort.

For now, i have my bed to be comfortable in. But i'm wishing i don't have to spend my nights like this. I swear balls, i'll come back on a better day. I keep procrastinating about my trip, dunno if i should even talk about it. cos some things are better felt than said, you hear me?

i should be rolling the ball normally again come monday. you know what, i actually forgot how i lived life before the trip.

i swear... it's really really freaking me out. my heart's not here. it's somewhere overseas shan't mention where. fact is, i don't even know where it is myself.

Ok, before i run my head through the walls and end up in a mental asyllum, i should end here.
But still, i feel unsatisfied though - feel like i had just finished speaking rubbish. Woh that helped, alot.

Alright, goodnight. I should quit on this bad habit yeah.

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Been missing you like fuck.

Burp

What gets me going,gets me talking. What He brings me to, He brings me through.

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INSANE.
~~fake and dismissive~~

Mira A.

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