our seventh month..and counting.

not defunct. as yet.

fiskus

solo

lonely

sharing my life with you

Salaam

a few good reads.

what women want.

some's up

March 2006

April 2006

May 2006

June 2006

July 2006

August 2006

September 2006

October 2006

November 2006

December 2006

January 2007

February 2007

March 2007

April 2007

May 2007

June 2007

July 2007

August 2007

September 2007

October 2007

November 2007

December 2007

January 2008

February 2008

March 2008

April 2008

May 2008

June 2008

July 2008

August 2008

September 2008

October 2008

December 2008

June 2009

It's a friday afternoon, 2.02pm.

Suddenly i feel like the weight's been lifted off once Sharrah switched on the tv. The house was so quiet and gloomy before her return, the very reason why i felt to pressured to complete housework.

Alright on a more constructive note,

Life isn't that bad after all. Just a few mishaps here and there wouldn't have you say Mira has faultered.

Yeah single shmingle. Life's like that. It serves you the most raw salmon on a silver platter,up your face.

Mustafuckamal is finally outta my life. He's left the buidling..for good! haha. and WOH MY LORD do i feel liberated.

Amana is good, he's been very cheeky these days but oh well that's him. I've not been dating or seeing anyone in about a month or so and i've come to terms with it..i forgot how it felt like to have someone.

Oh not to mention, Bashir.

Bashir Fredderick Murphy. That fella hailing from Bristol City, UK. He's good. More often that not we text each other like as if he's living in Tampines. Not good. Good for Starhub, not good for me.

Bashir opened up my mind in more ways than one on one typical Singaporean afternoon. I realised that when your emotional life is in shambles, it's the littlest things that'll cheer you up. Things that give you a reborn sense of hope - things that remind you you're not hopeless after all.And that's excatly what Bashir did..open up a door for me that has got no relevance to my emotional life.

He sparked a new ambition in me.. to work abroad. Now, it's either UK or Dubai.

Chances are..it'll be dubai.

So Dubai...here i come!!1

So life has come to this aye? Super lonely nights. Super dull, solo nights. No tender lovin', no bright days..only dark nights.

Wishing the night would bring about a better next day..and when it doesn't im wishing for the night to fulfill me..only to be lonely again.

Things that used to leave me contented, doesn't even come close anymore.

I'm not even wondering why its come to this ; i'm constantly trying to remember my life before Nash came.

I don't cry, i'm don't get too hurt anymore - which isn't a good thing - my gash, my wounds, they're just so dry...i can't feel no more. I feel so numb.

Yes that's it..i feel numb. I can't differentiate my feelings anymore..the positive to the negative..

I've lost all connection to the people around me. Even my closest ones..lost the touch..the connection.

So how the hell am i supposed to bring myself joy, when i feel so..broken and lonely?

Is this part of growing up? Then why the fuck is Nash even in the picture? Is this the aftermath of all the pinning down and emotional punches he throws at me EVERY SINGLE DAY?

I put myself in the rut time and time again with him, for what? to hope that one FINE day, he'll suddenly or slowly become the Nash that i knew him to be on that one saturday night? i am deluded to have been thinking that way.

If he wants me, he'd have to respect me. If he feels for me, he's got to show it. I am utterly damaged..damaged beyond repair. At age 20. It kills.

I know i have so much to give to the love of my life..i'd be giving my life. So he better be worth it.
For now, Nash needs to go. I'm leaving..for good.

I will never love again.

I am a lonely person.



Atleast, that's how i feel for now..at this moment..(it's 5.34pm on a sunday evening).



I have no boyfriend..my friends are scattered..



I make new friends in hope of better things..better company,better nightlife,better relations.But it keeps biting me back in my ass..its nonsense. I swear.



It's like a pretence ive been living in..a mask of potrayal i have been asking myself to believe in since God knows when.



I wonder if this is really what life is all about..i do feel quite empty..but above all, i feel like i've lost the connection with my people.



My family, my friends, my loved ones.



And it doesn't help that i am single..AND NOT MINGLING. sometimes i think, i can't be bothered to mingle also.



I AM JUST PLAIN LAZY.



I am in need alll the fucking time. Do you know how irritating that is? I am searching for somethings that i can't quite decipher right now. My emotional being is in a calamity. I hate being lazy, being unmotivated, i hate the lack of drive..



I hate it when love and joy is absent from my life..



And as the years roll on by and i blossom into my early adulthood, i cannot expect people to always be there for me. The time has come for me to stand on my own two feet..to brace the everchanging winds with the strength of an adult..if there is any strength left in this wayward mind of mine.



I just need some tender loving care..no, i need LOTS of it!



And being broke is not helping me in anyway..i would love to just stroll down the streets in town alone..just watching in a daze as the world spins around me.

Hello,world.

How long has it been since you last heard from me? World, you have to know that i have been fine. Not dandy, but fine,still. As kickass as ever, i've been taking in life's most difficult with the grace of an adult..like the true fighter that i am.

I realised that i am still fighting. Everyday, every waking moment. I am my own fighter within. Life's a struggle - that is as much as i have learnt so far. And i am happy that i have discovered myself in more ways than one. I am still the fighter you knew me to be, just a little bit more different now.

Life has been kind. I have been kind to myself. Lesser disappointments. I take things very slow now. The more wiser would agree with me that obsession and haste is a child's game. I analyse more now, i look into things from different perspectives.

I have been in ruins for Allah is Great. He made me feel pain, he gave me an antidote as well.

Mohamed Mustafa Kamal.

I'd like to share my life with you. But let's take it slow. Reading back on this weblog of mine, i can't help but feel like you are the one i have been speaking to all this while. You are a special person, you are my soul. Mohamed Mustafa Kamal..you are amazing.

You recognise me for being me, you hold my words when i am rendered speechless. You push me through my most dazed thoughts. You believe in me and believing in me that you do, you made the best out of me in a matter of days. I don't love you as yet,instead i honor and cherish you. Because i want to take a lifetime to fall in love with you. For suddenly i feel, like you are the missing piece of my life puzzle. The one God has kept for me, the one so sacred, God met me with you in a time He knows its right.

At a time when i am myself truly, at a time i am at my strongest. At a time i realise my weakness and know that i have the better of me whenever i feel weak.

You are the other Mira i have been looking for, i swear. And you are my deepest secret until...
I am sure that it's you i've been waiting for all along.

MOHAMED MUSTAFA KAMAL..... WHO ARRRE YOU!?!?!!?

Hello hello..

Been eons since i last updated. My posts have drastically decreased in numbers and i have absolutely no reason behind it. Hah.

In any case..i will try my level best (for the lack of energy ; it's 5.30 am in the morning!) to update as much juice as possible.

Ok let's start with mid June..when the parents went for Umrah. They were away for a total of 2 weeks..paid Medinah and Mecca a visit, after which they also dropped by Jordan and Israel. Lovely place, Jordan. And Israel's just heart-wrenching. Jerusalem to be exact. Heart-wrenching with the limited ability to survive for the Palestinians (May Allah be with them).

And so started a wonderful 2 weeks boot camp with the sisters and cousins. One word : Amazing.
I love my family already. =D

Ok so girl wonder and friends decided on having a road trip during one of the weekends of mid June. All prepped up, revved and ready to go, I haaaad to fall sick the night before the trip. And mind you, it's a secret. Noone's supposed to know about the trip so 'don't tell the person you're working for about it'. *winks*

sorry, that was abit out of point but only meant for those who knew what i was talking about lol.

aaaaniways.

So i bailed out on Adib super duper last minute, only to feel better the next afternoon!
And then...lo and behold. I did one of the craziest thing i could ever whip up in a million years. So crazy it was beyond my own mind's comprehension.

I took a flight down to KL on the very last minute. Ngyah ngyah! With no regrets at all..no looking back. And the short but sweet KL trip proved to be super fun packed exhilirating kemamak to the core siaaaa..

Then the day after, parents came home so back to square one.

##

My birthday was celebrated in a quaint, subdued setting ; close valuable friends and family ushered in my 20th with me at home sweet home. But the best birthday present had to be the Spanish victory ah later on the night. When the spaniards clinched the Euro title, i was so filled with joy i couldn't even speak. Kudos to my El Toros. Been waiting for them to raise the cup with glory since year 2000. And ooooh David Villa is so gorgeous! *slurps*

As presents, i received many useful and heartwarming gifts. To name a few, i recieved new fragrance from Burberry again..haha. Just to ensure my love for the Burberry fragrance doesn't run dry. This time it's Burberry Summer bebeh. Sexy shitt.
But what really really plastered that fat jaw dropping smile on my face was seeing (not one but) TWO Khaled Hosseini's classics ; Kite Runner and A Thousand Splendid Suns.

Just finished on the latter and i must tell you how grateful i am to have read one of the best written books in my life. Alhamdulillah...thank you darlings. *hugs*

So after the dinner party at my place, i made a trip to Darul Ehsan the next day on the day of my birthday itself. Bought some sweets and chocolates for the kids and gift-wrap them. Paid both the boys' orphanage and girls' one..spent some time with the less fortunate kids and it was extremely heart warming to see them admire you. Of course you feel super old and weathered being among them but hey, all in the name of charity. They're just fine vibrant kids with such sincere smiles..it warmed me to know that they were grateful to have me around.

##

I guess those were the only highlights even though i swear there's more but i just can't seem to remember now. Hmm.

But my day today was good, if it's anything. Spent the evening with Souher..its really nice spending time with her cos we're just always so high with each other. Even at 8pm. Lol.

After which Adib picked me up and we had supper with the rest (Lel, Zakk and Ain) at Adam Corner. New makan place for us, good deal. Good food. Good company. Ok minus the blaring tamil songs being played while we devoured the food. And after a hearty indian meal, we headed down Blacony to check the place out since Adib's never been there.

I'm telling you, we were stripped to our slackiest - slippers and tank tops - and it's a miracle we weren't denied entry into that place. Lol. But yeah..good company, good clean fun spells it man. Another wrap up to a good super-fast-didn't even see it zoom by-week.

Oh! Before i forget.

Shazy's back!!! Had her drive me and Nazy to ECP for a breeze and then Simpang for supper til 5 am. I've been having alot of beyond 3 am rendezvous and i swear it's crashing my system. but oh well spend it while it's still here. The youth i mean. Cos perhaps if i give myself another 3 years or so i'd probably be yawning by midnight due to old age.

Mirza's back from Brisbane and it was funny how we met for the first time. We had actually planned since months ago to meet up once he's back on Singaporean soil but because i'm always as busy as a mother of ten, and he, a father of twenty, we just could not find time. Eventually, we met up at Singgah Selalu JB coincidentally. Brilliant story i tell you. Funny lah. Kenal kat Brisbane and Singapore, jumpe kat JB. Maut.

Hairul's going off to NS on the 8th..big guy already lah he. Signed-on police officer, jangan main-main nanti die tembak kau. So for like a farewell sorta thing we had ourselves an amazing spread of seafood at (note : OF ALL PLACES) Pasir Panjang Food Centre. But dok, the food there damn nice lah. Beats Newton hollow man. I was about to burst by the time i was done with my meal.
Pasir Panjang abit too far lah seriously but tengok...JIWA BABE! GUA TURUN JUGAK...ah wa sayang sama lu nyer pasal kan.

hmmm.

aaand what else? i guess that's about it lah people. I'm sleepy already. God, it took me half an hour to complete this post lah! Uninterrupted some more. And not in the best fashion also. I could write better, really, but because it's morning lah and i want to sleep. So i'm hoping i won't procrastinate and only update again next month or something..hah.


Alright then people...till you hear from me again....toodles and chin up... =)

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